In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
You Might Also Like
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Word!
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party