[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
You Might Also Like
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him