In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
You Might Also Like
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.