In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
He-man has a Masters degree
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal