In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?