In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
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Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”