In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
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If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
You didn鈥檛 hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
馃幍Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR馃幎
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
In a post-apocalyptic world, I鈥檇 be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You鈥檒l think, is that a man or a woman? It won鈥檛 matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Let鈥檚 get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won鈥檛 stop screaming at us.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father鈥檚 name
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.