In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
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Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Yup
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.