In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
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#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Nose
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.