In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
You Might Also Like
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.