In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
He-man has a Masters degree
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
My diet starts in January
of 2027
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.