In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.