[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
You Might Also Like
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits