[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
This headline is a thing of beauty
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party