@dubstep4dads: [In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
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@shkeeber: Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich! Judge: What? M: I plead insanity. J: You're a juror. Me: Can I go? J: No. M: OBJECTION!
@lecalabara: If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
@GrandadJFreeman: There's a serial killer in our house! Normal people: "CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!" - In movies: "Lets go find him" -___-
@jonnysun: "911 whats ur emergency" omg im DYING "we'll send someone right awa–" i met THE funiest guy "ok wait so ur not actualy–" AND HE STABBED ME