@dubstep4dads: [In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
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@dinnersruined: How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with? Me: *names two of them*
@only_one_ee: Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs. Me: Wait, what - even macaroni & cheese? Trainer: Ya. Me: ...I think we should see other people.
@becks_bradley: Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.