[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
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Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
How your email finds me
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar