*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.