*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Okay
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.