In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again