[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
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Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you