[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
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So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*