{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
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Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.