{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
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It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
A short story of betrayal:
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.