If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.