In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
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Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’m not wrong
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.