In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
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Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.