In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.