In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
You Might Also Like
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
oh my gosh!!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid