In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
ibopfufen
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.