[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
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I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
What the dentist sees
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.