*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.