In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
These are my roll models.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.