In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️