In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
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The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
no their not
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
There are usually two types of merchants.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.