Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
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Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.