In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
You Might Also Like
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.