@petemandik: In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
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@GoldenSpirals: Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven't answered her email and she wouldn't know the new address to send it to.
@Amber_duds: For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I'm terrified to Web MD this. I'm too young to have kittens.
@Swishergirl24: I'm developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers' stories.
@Michael1979: Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness *I slip him a twenty* T: They fail because you're great & everyone else is awful