@petemandik: In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
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@hello_saylor: My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: "I enjoy receiving a paycheck."
@AbbyHasIssues: Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, you brought me flowers! Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard...