@petemandik: In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@INDlAN_: [phone call with ex] Me: you want to hang out tonight? Ex: sure. When & where? Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
@SufficientCharm: I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
@BreadFoster: Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it's free from the sky.
@FunkyFresh_79: Greatest days of my life: 3) Day I got married 2) Day my first kid was born 1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games