In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one