In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”