In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
That de-escalated quickly
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
What
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
*puts my mental health in rice