Note to self: always read the final line
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
fr
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
A duv-egg? In this economy?