[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
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They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]