[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
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God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore