@michael_raphone: [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
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@iscoff: The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
@TheMichaelRock: Hey guy driving the speed limit with your hands at 10 & 2, can I have some of that weed you're transporting?
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids. Wife: The same four kids? Me: I'll be right back.