[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
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[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Lmao the reply
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…