[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
it’s a van. how do they not know this
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
and now we wait
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”