Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
So creative 😂
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
The first one, obviously
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”