i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
This is true.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.