I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.