“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
#oldknees
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.