Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
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Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
#NoRestForTheWicked
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep