When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
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Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
even bears disappoint their mothers