[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
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ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.