In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My patience has stretch marks.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”